Crack or Carbs?!....{My Ramblings}

It just may be waaaaay tooooooo early on a  Monday morning for some soul baring but.....I am brewing a pot of liquid gold and I am going to start stripping (okay...the windows are open so not literally).  I am going to start a new segment on Thursdays...Trim it Thursday??? (Feel, free to send me suggestions on the name...I have not had any liquid gold yet). 

I have gained a great deal of weight since my daughter was born {gasp}...I actually weigh more today then when I was 9 months pregnant....not good.  I am not concerned about the "pounds" but about my health.  I completely lost myself when I heard my daughter was diagnosed with Biliary Atresia...and her only hope was a liver transplant.  I went from a confident doctorate student (I seriously had my child and then went in a few weeks later to take my finals while rocking her in her carrier...I had some wonderful professors!)...nothing was going to stop me from my goals said the naive new mother.

I was incredibly sleep deprived as a new mother . I believe even more so then your typical new mom since my daughter was in and out of the doctor's since she was 2 weeks old...

I lived on hospital food and on adrenalin at home.  The biggest weight gain though came when I moved to the Ronald McDonald House in New Jersey....I think Jersey...I think Bon Jovi and Kelly Ripa...I don't think drug deals but unfortunately that is what reality is in Camden.  I lived at this amazing place but rarely left my room.  I ate in the middle of the night as to not expose my daughter to other people who could get her sick (remember this was a matter of life and death for her)...so this is when I thought...I could turn to Crack (easily available down the street) or let go of my guilt over the Carbs.   I realized after a second of deliberation that Crack although keeping me slim would have some very unwelcomed side effects...and I had no one to give my daughter her 14 medications a day if I was hanging around street corners look for my score....so I scored the brownies in the kitchen left by the amazing volunteers....I lived at the Ronald McDonald House during the entire Holiday season!  Oh, I scored stuffing on so many occasions, brownies, cupcakes, cookies, all with milk...yup...milk was free at the house....I scored, and scored and scored...only to be replaced by Oreos when Savvy was hospitalized...if you hit the parents food area around  6 a.m. you could get the "Good" junk...Oreos!!! and the Frosted Flakes for breakfast!!!

I remember talking to my husband about my weight gain and he looked at me and said.."Who cares?!" ... and you know we had bigger fish to fry (I would have eaten the fried fish if I got my hands on it!).

A year went by and my daughter was doing well health wise but our lives were turned upside down...financially...a bomb hit us.  We made the choice to move to my mother's house which would help us save...this meant looking for a new job for my husband....things started to come together....I started to feel good about where life was taking us and I signed up for a gym with a trainer and Jenny Craig....a few months of this and then my daughter got sick {again}.  She simply had diarrhea one day and this went on for months.  I again found myself living in New Jersey...and then in my daughter's hospital room as she fought for her life...again.

It has been a little over a year now and things are looking "good" again...It hit me so hard this weekend....I don't know who I am....I mean ... I do know...but I am not living like the person I am.  I am still living in fear....and reality is I may be in a hospital room with my daughter tomorrow or never again until she is giving birth to my grandchild ... I don't know....but none of us do.

I need to start taking care of myself...I need to start eating healthier and exercising more.  I need to start discovering who the "new" Me really is. So...I choose neither crack or carbs to take care of me....I want to ask you for your support.  I would love for you to join me...I will be posting my ups and downs for the week on Thursdays...this is to hold myself accountable...I am a person that needs structure and I don't have it right now...this is my first step.

BTW, I am SERIOUSLY kidding about all Crack comments in this post :)